Imperfections

I have this thing about keeping absolutely everything. I will probably soon be put onto the show Hoarders. However, all my stuff is relatively neat and tidy, so I think it may be a few years yet until the camera crew get here. This includes my whole inbox and sent box on my three email addresses. Whilst procrastinating yesterday, I thought it would be interesting to see if I’d sent any emails on this day last year. Sure enough, I had sent an email to a friend on the 4^th of July 2011.

I’m not going to go into details about the email, that’s too embarrassing, but I will say this: The email talked about the fact that I would be starting exams soon (same position I’m in now) and that I was studying hard for them (again, I’m currently in the same boat) However the email then went on and talked about how I wanted to be perfect and get all A’s on my exams and that if I didn’t, I quote, “…then I will fail anyway, I will never be good enough.”

Now a lot has changed in this past year for me, and I myself have changed and grown as a person. But here is something that I had hadn’t really realised.  The perfectionism I fought all of last year, which drove me to destructive and self-sabotaging behaviour is now slowly seeping its way out of my body and mind. Sure I still want to strive to do well, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t. Last year I made unrealistic goals for myself and got unnecessarily upset when I didn’t achieve them. I realise now that I am nothing like that anymore, and because of it, I am a much happier and less anxious person.

So, here’s for not striving for the impossible and for not being perfect. I’m happier because of it :)

What will be, will be.

No matter what happens, whatever the outcome, I will survive. I am healthy, I am lucky, I am happy.
In 5 years time I won't remember specifically how I went in these exams or what I did during exams. I will get the results I deserve, and those results will carry me to where I am meant to go, what I am meant to do.
There will be more important things in my life than exams. Of course I would like to do well, and I will, if I study.

What will be, will be.

Swot Vac

I feel as though I could do my exams today and be happy with them, which is a really good thing, and I'm really proud of myself for working so hard for these last few weeks, and in general, over the year. I've created goals, made lists and persisted (mostly) with getting everything done. Now I have 2 days left of school left, then it's up to me how I spend my time.

A week is a VERY long time. I can get so much done, which I'm pleased about because it means I won't be stressed and rushing when it comes to exam time. I have a good exam timetable, good study techniques and will have the house to myself forthe majority of the time.

I'm faced with the problem now though of what to focus on. Ideally I would to divide my time evenly, but I'm sitting on better marks for some subjects then others. I would rather do really well in 2 subjects, than do average in all four of my subjects, one of which I know is basically impossible for me to get an EA at this stage. I've decided I'm going to study the most for Sport Science and Japanese, but I'll definitely give time to English and I'll study about 45 min of maths a day.

I'm so ready for it.
Swot Vac is awesome.

EXAMS - COME AT ME

Just Breathe

I’m sitting in the library today, with no intention of doing any of the ever-growing homework waiting for me in my locker. Instead, I’m breathing. Literally, all I was doing before I started writing this was sit in this very comfortable library chair, and breathe. There were some thoughts going around, but I wasn’t paying much attention to them.

This year I started year 11 with a very positive view towards my education. Being at a private school, I constantly feel the expectations of my parents, teachers and myself to do well. The pressure I have been putting on myself all year has been enormous, and at times, impractical. I would write obsessive lists and follow them compulsively until they were complete. I put my schoolwork ahead of both my health and social life.

I saw good results, which motivated me to keep aiming high and achieve good results. It got to the point though, that anywhere below a straight A wasn’t good enough for me. Getting an A- would upset me and I would be left feeling humiliated and angry with myself. Humiliated at myself? Yes, I embarrassed myself. I felt like a fool for trying so hard and getting below an A.

In July I had midterm exams, which I survived, it was however afterwards when we got our results back, when I did not. I was not in the slightest happy with the majority of my results. I went home early and cried myself to sleep. After that, I didn’t do schoolwork or study for two weeks. I would literally just sit in class silently, hoping a teacher wouldn’t call on me to answer a question. Anger welling up inside me, feelings of dumbness and worthlessness cascading my body.

With the help and guidance of my peers, I slowly began to pick myself up and start working again. I’ve ripped up all my obsessive lists, starting being more social and have relaxed a bit about my schoolwork. I admit, I do still spend a lot of time on assignments making sure that everything is correct, but all my schoolwork doesn’t overwhelm me anymore.

I have learnt through experiencing this year how much pressure I, like many others put on themselves to be the best. I don’t believe that becoming ‘perfect’ is a realistic goal, and yet it was something I continually strived towards, and would get upset over when I couldn’t achieve it. I have benefited though from making these lists, as I am now a more organized person who manages her time well. This is why I’m sitting on this chair, breathing, I’m giving my brain a break. I think everyone; especially busy people like me need some ‘me’ time in their lives. Getting a B isn’t the end of the world!

Goals for July/August

I feel as though I haven't slept in forever. I've been sleeping well and even been sleeping in, and yet I am still absolutely knackered. My routine definitely altered before and during exams and I now seem to be suffering from it. I need to get back into my zone and find a good routine for myself. Because I now find myself terribly tired and I haven't done any homework all week.

So, here are some goals for the next month. I'll review this on the 24th of August and see how I go.

• Get my L2's
• Do at least 2 hours of homework/study a night
• Find a car and buy it
• Keep my room clean
• Book tickets to Melbourne.

Let's see how I go!

1 down, 3 to go

"You'll be fine"

"It'll be ok"

"Everything will work out"

Words so easily said, by those who aren't going through what you're going through.

I hate it when I find myself telling people these words. The majority of the time I say them way too easily, usually because I have no idea of what else to say. So I've decided, if people want my help, I'm going to really try hard to give it to them. Unless of course, I know that they'll be fine, in which case "you'll be fine" will kind of fit...

I had my maths exam today. It. Was. HARD! Jesus I didn't think it'd be that hard. I almost ran out of time, and I didn't have any time to go over everything, so I'm not very confident. But I managed to at least attempt all of the questions, which I'm proud of... There's nothing I can do about it now. I'm just so glad it's over!

1 down, 3 to go...

Exam Time

Two days until my first exam - and I'm feeling good!

The thing is, I haven't studied to my full potential - I know that. But I have studied, and I plan to study more after my first exam on Friday. I have three days off and then three exams over two days, then I'm finished!

I'm looking forward to getting them out of the way. I don't want to not do them, because I've put time and effort into them. Of course, I'm going to feel anxiety and probably a bit of stress before I do them, but I'll push through. I've done it before and suceeded, there's no reason why I can't do it again.

Favourite song right now :)