Nikki's 3am Rant

The world is beautiful. But it is not the man-made beauty that I see. Man has somewhat destroyed what was given to us, what we are lucky enough to have. I wish I could go back in time, and see what the world used to look like, before anyone was alive. I would like to see what Sandy Bay, my suburb looks like. I can’t even imagine what it would look like, and although Sandy Bay is beautiful now, I’m sure it would have been even more wonderful back before the human race began.

I feel like I’m just surviving, not actually doing anything in this world. Sure I write and talk and interact with people, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I am surrounded by people who love me, and yet I am constantly lonely. My world is swirling around me and I can’t get it to stop. I look up, I look down, I look sidewards, everything and everyone are rushing past, like in the movies, but this time it is real. I feel like I could just sink into the ground I’m sitting on, just melt away to nothing.

In reality, the life I live is going to be amazingly short compared to how old the Earth is. And one day I am sure, that we will not be here. Chances are something will happen, something will go wrong and we will be no more. No one will remember me as there will be no one living to think, to breathe, to be alive. So really, I should be lucky that I am here, right now, talking to myself. Words will always retain their power, no matter how long ago they were spoken, they will be remembered. I will remember you.

Love

I promise;

to help you
to adore you
to care for you
to protect you
to love you.

Value who YOU are.

We live in a world where our influences shape who we are. As a 17 year old girl growing up in todays society, I am surrounded by magazines, television and music telling me what I should wear, which diet I should be trying, how I should act around boys, etc. I am a victim to it, but luckily, not in a huge sense. I have a grip on myself and reality. I have learnt to do and buy what I like, not what others would like me to. I don’t fall into a category, I am just me. I’ve created my own category for myself and my laid back, casual style and I’m happy with it.

There are however those who are younger, who aren’t so lucky. I see every year younger and younger girls, all looking the same. They do this because they think then they’ll be able to “fit in”. Fit into what though? Some sort of invisible social circle that has been created by ‘popular’ teens. A circle that you can only enter if you look and act a certain way. I see girls acting around boys so desperately and ‘cool’ just to get attention. Of course I don’t know these people, but they all just seem the same. Same clothes, same hair styles, etc. What are their actual personalities? Where is their individuality?

Maybe one day they’ll find it. Maybe some of the lucky ones will break away, find themselves and be there own person. Many others won’t though, they will continue to lead their lives based on how others tell them they should. You shouldn’t need to have to dress a certain way, act a certain way or weigh a certain weight to be friends with somebody, and if they think that you should, then they obviously aren’t a good friend to you. Value and appreciate your life, and live the way you want to, not how they want you to.

Perfection.

Seriously, what the fuck even is perfection, and where do I sign up? Is it happiness? Is it made up? Do we make up our own perfection? Please someone, someone please fucking tell me, because I’m just a bit confused as to what to do. How can something be perfect? Who determines this?

My Room

I think around and all I see it mess. Does this mess reflect on my life right now? My room gets cleaned when I feel upbeat and proactive, never when I’m in a low, unsteady state. I’ve never even thought of this before, but looking around, seeing the chaos that could be easily fixed, but that I just leave as mess to clean up later. My room is a reflection of me, not quite tidy, no where near perfect. But it has character and style, it shows off my books, photos and trophies, the things I value most.

What will be, will be.

No matter what happens, whatever the outcome, I will survive. I am healthy, I am lucky, I am happy.
In 5 years time I won't remember specifically how I went in these exams or what I did during exams. I will get the results I deserve, and those results will carry me to where I am meant to go, what I am meant to do.
There will be more important things in my life than exams. Of course I would like to do well, and I will, if I study.

What will be, will be.

Swot Vac

I feel as though I could do my exams today and be happy with them, which is a really good thing, and I'm really proud of myself for working so hard for these last few weeks, and in general, over the year. I've created goals, made lists and persisted (mostly) with getting everything done. Now I have 2 days left of school left, then it's up to me how I spend my time.

A week is a VERY long time. I can get so much done, which I'm pleased about because it means I won't be stressed and rushing when it comes to exam time. I have a good exam timetable, good study techniques and will have the house to myself forthe majority of the time.

I'm faced with the problem now though of what to focus on. Ideally I would to divide my time evenly, but I'm sitting on better marks for some subjects then others. I would rather do really well in 2 subjects, than do average in all four of my subjects, one of which I know is basically impossible for me to get an EA at this stage. I've decided I'm going to study the most for Sport Science and Japanese, but I'll definitely give time to English and I'll study about 45 min of maths a day.

I'm so ready for it.
Swot Vac is awesome.

EXAMS - COME AT ME