Goals for July/August

I feel as though I haven't slept in forever. I've been sleeping well and even been sleeping in, and yet I am still absolutely knackered. My routine definitely altered before and during exams and I now seem to be suffering from it. I need to get back into my zone and find a good routine for myself. Because I now find myself terribly tired and I haven't done any homework all week.

So, here are some goals for the next month. I'll review this on the 24th of August and see how I go.

• Get my L2's
• Do at least 2 hours of homework/study a night
• Find a car and buy it
• Keep my room clean
• Book tickets to Melbourne.

Let's see how I go!

I believe in fairies.

The other day whilst walking through my beautiful school, I walked through the junior school during their lunch break. I stopped for a bit and observed the small kids, their behaviours and language. Well really, it was more squealing than actual dialogue. At my school, there are kind of two separate parts of the school where the junior school play. Which I understand, as the age range is from 4 to 12.

When I walked through the other day, I saw some beautiful things. I saw grade 6's playing jumprope with younger girls, children playing make believe fairy games and others on swings and monkey bars, with not a care in the world. The world in which children live in should be magical. We shouldn't crush their hopes and dreams.

Watching these kids play with invisible fairies made me feel so happy and optimistic, like anything is possible. I thought I wasn't like that when I was little, that I didn't have much of an imagination. But after thinking more about it, I realised I did and it was huge. I was the instigator in my group of friends, I would lead and we would make up incredible stories, of pirates, fairies and all things in between.

I don't know where that imagination has gone now, but it's nice to know and remember that I had it once. And hey, maybe I still DO believe in fairies ;)



xx

Nicole

I've just finished reading Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness. It was a truly honest and brave insight into part of her life. Her former self was one haunted by hatred of the way she looked and felt. She literally tortured her body to stay thin. This book was so honest, and at times, very hard to read.

It was however the epilogue that really grabbed me, and I've been thinking about it ever since. That since recovering from her eating disorder, she has learnt to just do what she wants, exercise and eating wise. To eat what she wants, when she wants, and stop when she's full. I think this translates so well to life.

I believe life is so short, that we should live the way that we want to, not how others think we should. Of course, we have responsibilities and any moral person should do what is right for others, but also what is right for them, within reason.

I've hated for a long time that I don't know what I want to do when I 'grow up.' I've tried to make myself believe that I've wanted to be in a certain career when I grow up, so it will take the pressure off me later on when I really have to decide. I've gone through phases of wanting to be a teacher, lawyer, psychologist and a doctor. But none of them are appealing to me, none of them are what I really want to do.

I don't think I'll know what to do until I've experienced a bit of the world. When I talk about not knowing what I want to do, I don't just mean career wise, I mean - I have no idea what on earth I want to do with my life. Do I want kids? Do I want to get married? Do I want to devote my life the help others? I just don't know.

But now I don't care. Because I can do anything I want to. I have the most amazing opportunities, and my parents, friends and education have given me a great start in life. I believe life is a series of phases, each phase leads to the next phase, all of which are influenced by our experiences and the people in our lives. Some phases are good, some not so good, but all of which make up who we are.

Sometimes I think I don't know who I am, because my moods and attitudes change all the time. Thismorning I pulled my hair up for the first time in the long time. For the first time in ages I saw my face, all of my face, without makeup or jewellery. I saw me for the first time in a long time. I saw me, and smiled.

At times, I don't think I know the real 'me.' But I've taken the time to think of some of the things I do know about myself:

I'm a friend.

I'm a daughter.

I'm a sister.

I'm an aunty.

I'm messy.

I'm thoughtful.

I'm caring.

I'm organised.

I am Nikki.

I am Nicole.

I am Me.

This will just have to do for the time being.

1 down, 3 to go

"You'll be fine"

"It'll be ok"

"Everything will work out"

Words so easily said, by those who aren't going through what you're going through.

I hate it when I find myself telling people these words. The majority of the time I say them way too easily, usually because I have no idea of what else to say. So I've decided, if people want my help, I'm going to really try hard to give it to them. Unless of course, I know that they'll be fine, in which case "you'll be fine" will kind of fit...

I had my maths exam today. It. Was. HARD! Jesus I didn't think it'd be that hard. I almost ran out of time, and I didn't have any time to go over everything, so I'm not very confident. But I managed to at least attempt all of the questions, which I'm proud of... There's nothing I can do about it now. I'm just so glad it's over!

1 down, 3 to go...

2012 Subject Choices

Trying to pick my subjects for next year...which is both time consuming and drags me away from my studies! But I like reading about each subject, a lot of them are really interesting. I'm only going to do four, I NEED my study line!

Currently I have three subjects set for next year, they are:

• English Writers
• Health Studies
• Psychology

My possibilites for my fourth subject are:

• Accounting
• Ancient Civilisations
• Economics
• Legal Studies
• Studies in Religion
• Sociology

Right now I'm leaning towards Sociology, but I don't know if I would want to do both Psychology and Sociology in the same year...

Anyway, I have a month to think about it until I have to decide..

I've got my maths exam tomorrow arvo...argh! ;)

Exam Time

Two days until my first exam - and I'm feeling good!

The thing is, I haven't studied to my full potential - I know that. But I have studied, and I plan to study more after my first exam on Friday. I have three days off and then three exams over two days, then I'm finished!

I'm looking forward to getting them out of the way. I don't want to not do them, because I've put time and effort into them. Of course, I'm going to feel anxiety and probably a bit of stress before I do them, but I'll push through. I've done it before and suceeded, there's no reason why I can't do it again.

Favourite song right now :)