Just Breathe

I’m sitting in the library today, with no intention of doing any of the ever-growing homework waiting for me in my locker. Instead, I’m breathing. Literally, all I was doing before I started writing this was sit in this very comfortable library chair, and breathe. There were some thoughts going around, but I wasn’t paying much attention to them.

This year I started year 11 with a very positive view towards my education. Being at a private school, I constantly feel the expectations of my parents, teachers and myself to do well. The pressure I have been putting on myself all year has been enormous, and at times, impractical. I would write obsessive lists and follow them compulsively until they were complete. I put my schoolwork ahead of both my health and social life.

I saw good results, which motivated me to keep aiming high and achieve good results. It got to the point though, that anywhere below a straight A wasn’t good enough for me. Getting an A- would upset me and I would be left feeling humiliated and angry with myself. Humiliated at myself? Yes, I embarrassed myself. I felt like a fool for trying so hard and getting below an A.

In July I had midterm exams, which I survived, it was however afterwards when we got our results back, when I did not. I was not in the slightest happy with the majority of my results. I went home early and cried myself to sleep. After that, I didn’t do schoolwork or study for two weeks. I would literally just sit in class silently, hoping a teacher wouldn’t call on me to answer a question. Anger welling up inside me, feelings of dumbness and worthlessness cascading my body.

With the help and guidance of my peers, I slowly began to pick myself up and start working again. I’ve ripped up all my obsessive lists, starting being more social and have relaxed a bit about my schoolwork. I admit, I do still spend a lot of time on assignments making sure that everything is correct, but all my schoolwork doesn’t overwhelm me anymore.

I have learnt through experiencing this year how much pressure I, like many others put on themselves to be the best. I don’t believe that becoming ‘perfect’ is a realistic goal, and yet it was something I continually strived towards, and would get upset over when I couldn’t achieve it. I have benefited though from making these lists, as I am now a more organized person who manages her time well. This is why I’m sitting on this chair, breathing, I’m giving my brain a break. I think everyone; especially busy people like me need some ‘me’ time in their lives. Getting a B isn’t the end of the world!

The Security of Hobart

“Now I know Nikki, that you are a very social and sporty person, I’ve seen you go for walks around Sandy Bay after school and hang out with your friends. If you were to go to South Africa on this exchange, you know you wouldn’t be able to do that? The girls your age in South Africa don’t have the same freedom as you. It’s a very dangerous country. Do you think you would be able to cope?”

“No.”

During this interview I realised how safe and secure I really am. I live in Sandy Bay, Hobart. If I showed you pictures, I’m sure you would agree with me how beautiful it is here and how lucky I am to live here. Everything I need is either a five minute walk away, or a 10 minute bus ride away. My school is situated at the top of my hill, which is very convenient as I’m not an early riser! I am also lucky to have been given the trust and independence from my parents to do things at a young age. I started going to town by myself at twelve and catching buses by myself at thirteen.

I haven’t always felt so lucky though. Every time we would travel to the Gold Coast, Melbourne or Sydney, I would feel immense jealously. “They have everything!” Would be my immediate thought after spending a day shopping in Melbourne, or a day at a theme park in Brisbane. I’ve always wanted to move to Melbourne, for the opportunity to study and work somewhere away from Tasmania. I no longer want to though. If I were twelve and living in Melbourne, my parents would never have let me shop by myself, let alone catch public transport! I now appreciate Hobart and Tasmania for the freedom it has given me and the beauty that I see every day. I also see Hobart changing, our shops are getting bigger and more modern, and more mainland businesses are opening places here. We are very behind the big cities, but we’re getting there.

I didn’t end up getting the exchange, but it didn’t matter. It would have been an amazing trip, but three months away from my family and friends, and not being able to do anything after school would have been too hard for me at 15. My friend ended up getting it and she had a wonderful time.

What Makes me Happy

Simple things make me happy. I have so many material possessions, that I buy thinking that owning such things will make me happy. Some of the things that make me happy are these:

• My family - the fact that we have created and continue to create legendary memories of fun and laughter. We have so many favourite movies and music that. I take spending time with my family for granted.
• My friends - same as above really. I love going to school and being with my friends
• Music
• Parks
• Beaches
• The Sun
• Good food
• Writing

I'm currently sitting in my room right now and I've had a wonderful day. I've spent time with both my family and friends. I went to a birthday party at the park and acted like a little kid again on the play equipment. I just ate a very yummy dinner that dad made me. Now I'm writing and listening to good music.

I don't need all the material possessions that I own. None of them make me feel as satisfied as I do now.

I wish everyday was like today. Simplistic but beautiful.

Sea Change?

I've always told myself and others that after school I'm going to move out of Tasmania. Although, I've never actually thought about where I would move to, and why I would move there. I've always wanted to move to Melbourne - for the shopping and city life. I don't think they are good reasons anymore, plus it would be costly. I've also gone through a phase of wanting to move to Adelaide, but that was only because that was where the university I liked the sound of was there, but I don't want to do that anymore.

So what now? Fall inlove with another Australian city? Think about moving overseas? Or stay in Tasmania?

Tasmania is beautiful.
Tasmania is comfortable.
Tasmania is relevatively cheap.

I have friends in Tasmania.
I have family in Tasmania.
I have memories in Tasmania.

Do I move somewhere else to make new friends and memories? Or do I stay in my comfort zone, with my family and friends.

I don't know what to do. I can see myself doing either. I feel like though, if I stay in Tasmania, I will be left asking myself "what if...?"

I'm a Green Butterfly

When I was little and didn't know anything about religion, this is what I thought happened when people died:
I thought we would go to heaven, but we wouldn't stay there for a long time. We would spend a bit of time to ourselves, doing whatever we desired - for me it was reading/watching tv/eating - basically the same as it is now. After a while God would come up to us and he would take us to 'the edge'. The sky would be above us, and below would be a forest. We would have to talk to God about our life and what we'd done - the good, and the bad. But he'd already know everything anyway, he was just testing us, to see if we'd lie. Then he'd give us a push, back down to earth and on our way down, we would transform into something new, something that God thought we deserved to be. We would land softly and start again.

I believed that God would always give us a second chance to redeem ourselves. No matter how we looked in heaven, God would always know who we were. But we would never remember, we got to spend a bit of time in heaven to ourselves to get over the shock of what was going to happen. As a child I walked around thinking animals used to be people. That dogs who barked at me were bad people in their previous lives. I thought about this a lot, especially when I was in bed. It was around about when I was 9 that I stopped believing this. I wanted to think that if somebody died, they would come back, just as something different. That God just changed us so that we would all get a turn at being different things.

I don't believe this anymore, and I hadn't thought about it in a while, but something today reminded me of what my beliefs used to be. Now I don't believe in God or heaven, but I am intrigued by religion.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird and could fly. A lot of the time though, I wish that I was a green butterfly.

Changing my ways

It’s so much easier to write about things I want to change in my life than actually doing them. I can do all the self analysing in the world, get all the advice possible, but when it comes down to it, if I don’t take action, then nothing positive will ever change. I’m in charge of my life and I have to start taking responsibility for it. I know it’s hard, I tell myself every bloody day that it’s hard. Some days I even go as far as saying that it’s too hard. Some days I don’t feel like trying anymore, because I feel as though nothing ever changes. You know what? Things have changed. I don’t feel as though they have, but looking back at the year so far, there have been changes.

• I study a lot
• I survived exams – and actually went alright in them
• I now clean the house and my room
• I am learning how to drive
• I am able to think deeper than I ever have before
• I’ve actually been trying this year to make myself a better and happier person.

There’s still a lot I need and want to work on, but there always will be. I think that’s why sometimes I’m not motivated. I like doing things that can be finished. I cannot finish making my life better because that would be perfection and I perfect life simply doesn’t exist. I will always find flaws and faults – but I’m not alone. Everyone wants at least one aspect of their lives to be changed.

I tend to envy the people who have a problem, work through it, find a solution and put that solution into place. It seems so simple and easy. I’m not that type of person. My thought process is long and tedious – and I take forever to make decisions. I don’t like trying different things and seeing which one will work. I like to search for as long as necessary and try and find the perfect solution.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but it’s how I work. It’s how I try to solve problems. I know right now that I need to keep thinking about problems and solutions and acknowledge them as I have done in the past, but I now also need to move on to the final step of actually doing something about it. It doesn’t have to be big. In my case, I think trying to take smaller steps would actually be beneficial. It’s going to be one, hopefully very long journey – but I’ll get there.

Seriously, where has this year gone?

It seems to me, that when I'm in a good and positive mood, the dates fly by. But when I'm not in a good mood, the dates go by so slowly. I swear, the last 10 days of July seemed to drag on forever, but now, looking at the date,, it's already the 5th of August!

I love starts. I love the beginning of the week/month/year. It makes me feel motivated to do things, start fresh on projects. I don't know why I can't do so on a Wednesday, or on the 14th of each month. I just feel more motivated when it's the first of something.

I've had a few days away from home, and have come back feeling like I do at the start of the week - energised and motivated - not my normal friday afternoon that's for sure! I have a list of things I need to accomplish this weekend, and I look forward to getting them done. I got my report today, exceeded my expectations :)

I like making lists. I like being organised. I hate being late. I hate being wrong.