Just Breathe

I’m sitting in the library today, with no intention of doing any of the ever-growing homework waiting for me in my locker. Instead, I’m breathing. Literally, all I was doing before I started writing this was sit in this very comfortable library chair, and breathe. There were some thoughts going around, but I wasn’t paying much attention to them.

This year I started year 11 with a very positive view towards my education. Being at a private school, I constantly feel the expectations of my parents, teachers and myself to do well. The pressure I have been putting on myself all year has been enormous, and at times, impractical. I would write obsessive lists and follow them compulsively until they were complete. I put my schoolwork ahead of both my health and social life.

I saw good results, which motivated me to keep aiming high and achieve good results. It got to the point though, that anywhere below a straight A wasn’t good enough for me. Getting an A- would upset me and I would be left feeling humiliated and angry with myself. Humiliated at myself? Yes, I embarrassed myself. I felt like a fool for trying so hard and getting below an A.

In July I had midterm exams, which I survived, it was however afterwards when we got our results back, when I did not. I was not in the slightest happy with the majority of my results. I went home early and cried myself to sleep. After that, I didn’t do schoolwork or study for two weeks. I would literally just sit in class silently, hoping a teacher wouldn’t call on me to answer a question. Anger welling up inside me, feelings of dumbness and worthlessness cascading my body.

With the help and guidance of my peers, I slowly began to pick myself up and start working again. I’ve ripped up all my obsessive lists, starting being more social and have relaxed a bit about my schoolwork. I admit, I do still spend a lot of time on assignments making sure that everything is correct, but all my schoolwork doesn’t overwhelm me anymore.

I have learnt through experiencing this year how much pressure I, like many others put on themselves to be the best. I don’t believe that becoming ‘perfect’ is a realistic goal, and yet it was something I continually strived towards, and would get upset over when I couldn’t achieve it. I have benefited though from making these lists, as I am now a more organized person who manages her time well. This is why I’m sitting on this chair, breathing, I’m giving my brain a break. I think everyone; especially busy people like me need some ‘me’ time in their lives. Getting a B isn’t the end of the world!