Nicole

I've just finished reading Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness. It was a truly honest and brave insight into part of her life. Her former self was one haunted by hatred of the way she looked and felt. She literally tortured her body to stay thin. This book was so honest, and at times, very hard to read.

It was however the epilogue that really grabbed me, and I've been thinking about it ever since. That since recovering from her eating disorder, she has learnt to just do what she wants, exercise and eating wise. To eat what she wants, when she wants, and stop when she's full. I think this translates so well to life.

I believe life is so short, that we should live the way that we want to, not how others think we should. Of course, we have responsibilities and any moral person should do what is right for others, but also what is right for them, within reason.

I've hated for a long time that I don't know what I want to do when I 'grow up.' I've tried to make myself believe that I've wanted to be in a certain career when I grow up, so it will take the pressure off me later on when I really have to decide. I've gone through phases of wanting to be a teacher, lawyer, psychologist and a doctor. But none of them are appealing to me, none of them are what I really want to do.

I don't think I'll know what to do until I've experienced a bit of the world. When I talk about not knowing what I want to do, I don't just mean career wise, I mean - I have no idea what on earth I want to do with my life. Do I want kids? Do I want to get married? Do I want to devote my life the help others? I just don't know.

But now I don't care. Because I can do anything I want to. I have the most amazing opportunities, and my parents, friends and education have given me a great start in life. I believe life is a series of phases, each phase leads to the next phase, all of which are influenced by our experiences and the people in our lives. Some phases are good, some not so good, but all of which make up who we are.

Sometimes I think I don't know who I am, because my moods and attitudes change all the time. Thismorning I pulled my hair up for the first time in the long time. For the first time in ages I saw my face, all of my face, without makeup or jewellery. I saw me for the first time in a long time. I saw me, and smiled.

At times, I don't think I know the real 'me.' But I've taken the time to think of some of the things I do know about myself:

I'm a friend.

I'm a daughter.

I'm a sister.

I'm an aunty.

I'm messy.

I'm thoughtful.

I'm caring.

I'm organised.

I am Nikki.

I am Nicole.

I am Me.

This will just have to do for the time being.